Friday Extra ; An Essay On Courtship In Islam

The most common questions I get from young people are, "Do Muslims date?" and "If they don't date, how do they decide whom to marry?"

"Dating" as it is currently practiced in much of the world does not exist among Muslims -- where a young man and woman (or boy/girl) are in a one-on-one intimate relationship, spending time together alone, "getting to know each other" in a very deep way before deciding whether that's the person they will marry. Rather, in Islam pre-marital relationships of any kind between members of the opposite sex are forbidden.

The choice of a marriage partner is one of the most important decisions a person will make in his or her lifetime. It should not be taken lightly, nor left to chance or hormones. It should be taken as seriously as any other major decision in life - with prayer, careful investigation, and family involvement.

So in today's world, how do young people manage? First of all, Muslim youth develop very close friendships with their same-sex peers. This "sisterhood" or "brotherhood" that develops when they are young continues throughout their lives. When a young person decides to get married, the following steps often take place:

Young person makes du'a (prayer) for Allah to help him or her find the right person.

The family enquires, discusses, and suggests candidates. They consult with each other to narrow down potential prospects. Usually the father or mother approaches the other family to suggest a meeting.

Couple agrees to meet in chaperoned, group environment. Umar related that the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, "Not one of you should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative (mahram)." (Bukhari/Muslim).

The Prophet (peace be upon him) also reportedly said,
"Whenever a man is alone with a woman, Satan (Shaytan) is the third among them." (Tirmidhi).

When young people are getting to know each other, being alone together is a temptation toward wrongdoing. At all times, Muslims should follow the commands of the Qur'an (24:30-31) to "lower their gaze and guard their modesty...." Islam recognizes that we are human and are given to human weakness, so this rule provides safeguards for our own sake.

Family investigates candidate further - talking with friends, family, Islamic leaders, co-workers, etc. to learn about his or her character.

Couple prays salat-l-istikhara (prayer for guidance) to seek Allah's help in making a decision.

Couple agrees to pursue marriage or part ways. Islam has given this freedom of choice to both young men and women - they cannot be forced into a marriage that they don't want.This type of focused courtship helps ensure the strength of the marriage, by drawing upon family elders' wisdom and guidance in this important life decision.

Family involvement in the choice of a marriage partner helps assure that the choice is based not on romantic notions, but rather on a careful, objective evaluation of the compatibility of the couple. That is why these marriages often prove successful.

Looking critically at the bolded, one will notice that the writer places emphasis on family elders' wisdom and guidance in making a success of the entire courtship process.

This is not very realistic in a society like Nigeria where quite often, children/young people are often more knowledgeable about Islam than their parents. Relying on parents/family elders for a choice of spouse might translate into selecting a not-so-good spouse in terms of Islam because factors such as social status, wealth, beauty and even "modernity" may be favoured whilst the degree of understanding and practice of Islam of the individual may not be considered at all in making such a decision.

Moreover, it assumes that the young people getting married are not competent to identify and evaluate important factors in their potential spouse's persona/character for a successful marriage. Surely, this is not the case for all Muslim singles.

Another point to note is that the fact that a young man and woman are Muslims does not necessarily make them compatible in marriage. Personal tastes, preferences and even ambitions might not be in congruence. Hence, there is a need to ensure that there is some sort of chemistry between the two before getting married.

Like Huda Dodge wrote: The choice of a marriage partner is one of the most important decisions a person will make in his or her lifetime. It should not be taken lightly, nor left to chance or hormones. It should be taken as seriously as any other major decision in life - with prayer, careful investigation, and family involvement.

I agree family involvement is important and marriage is a serious issue not to be taken lightly. So, how can young Muslims in a society like ours select compatible spouses without falling into Haram?

I don't have all the answers, but I have a few suggestions.

1. Discreetly Observe the Person You think might be a good spouse: The reality in our society is that we are exposed to both strong and weak Muslims. Hence, it makes a lot of sense to discreetly observe an individual you might be interested in for marriage; "how does she relate with other people?" "Does he observe his salat on time by leaving class or work at the right time?" "Is he dedicated and hardworking on his job?" "How is she perceived in her community?" These are things we can learn about an individual to a reasonable extent without directly interacting with them.

2. Ask your target's family and friends: It is safe to assume that the person you might be interested has family or at least close friends you can reach. Ask relevant questions like:
a. Is he/she single and unattached?

b. Is he introverted or extroverted?

c. Does he like kids?

d. Does she have a temper?

e. You know me and you know her, do you think we could be a happy couple?

f. What would you say are his flaws that anybody he marries might have to handle? I am interested but I don't want to waste my or his time.

These and other relevant questions when asked seriously and answered sincerely can give you insight into an individual and whether or not you might like them enough to marry them.

3. Attend Muslim singles match-making events: This might seem desperate but it really isn't because you are going to a place where you are more likely to find the ideal match for a spouse. These events often require that participants provide relevant info like biodata, profession, likes/dislikes and requirements. I have not attended any but I have seen some advertised as part of larger Islamic programmes like conferences or symposia. The advantage this has is that you can seriously identify people you really fancy in the midst of other candidates which can help you become more focused on that person.

4. Rely on a knowledgeable person's recommendation: This works if the person you are asking to consult for you (that is what it is) has good knowledge and practice of Islam and knows you well (your likes, dislikes, temperaments etc). They can they identify single people that might be suitable for you. Let's be honest, you have probably felt that Bro. 'A' might be great with Sister 'B'. Your "consultant' might just make a great match for you too. The person may or may not be a relative of yours.

These are some practical ways I believe Muslim singles in Nigeria and countries with similar "challenges" when it comes to the practise of Islam can identify, evaluate and marry potential spouses without falling into haram.

Please note that all of this would probably not be necessary in a country where sharia is practised because the culture would be based on Islam and to that extent, a lot of the factors that make identifying, evaluating and marrying a potential spouse so tricky for Muslim singles in Nigeria would not exist.

May Allah accept the good part of this essay as Ibadah and forgive the shortcomings.

Ma Salam.